INTRODUCTION (March 10, 2013)
Every October 25 I would send you birthday wish, though we haven't talked or contacted each other for more than two years after I came back from China. It was not my fault; or maybe I did not acknowledge if I had done something wrong, that's why you stopped talking to me; or maybe you had faced some difficulty in your life, that's why you avoided me; or maybe you found somebody else, that's why you ended our relationship. "Relationship?!" I dare not to admit that we were, or once were, in relationship. Maybe I thought so, and maybe you didn't think so. Maybe I was stupidly in love with you alone. There have been many unanswered maybe(s) in my head about your sudden silence. We did not say goodbye to one another, and silence was all that ended our so-called "relationship." I can't blame you for leaving me alone. I really can't blame you for anything.
Every morning I get up at this very same hour, wash my face, brush my teeth, have my breakfast, and go to work. I talk to my friends and smile to them as if nothing had happened to me. Every evening I go to this very same gym doing exercise. Every night I drive along this very same road back home from work, change my clothes again, bump into my bed, and listen to these very same songs I've got in my laptop. I go back to my same old life I had practiced many years before I went to school. It seems that I go back normal again. In fact, I am not. I am not a normal guy anymore because my heart has been broken into small pieces. It has been two years that I've tried very hard to glue those broken pieces together. But I have never succeeded. You are still there in my head I cannot get rid off. I am very tired now. I could not move on now. I am lost now. And now, I miss you terribly. I miss you very much. I miss all the talks we had shared. I miss all the promises we had made. I miss all the plans we had proposed. I miss your smile and your laugh. I miss everything about you.
However, after all, everything about you and me is just a memory that I bear in mind, and I want to bear it. The love between you and me is just an empty-promised love which has never been in reality. Everything was in talk which had no real action.
Tonight I want to cry very much; to cry my heart out so that I would feel no more pain. I wish our head is just like a memory card; once we click 'delete' and it's all gone. This would be very great for me at this moment, at this condition. However, I should not cry, a man is not supposed to cry. I was and have been told so by my father that "Son, a man doesn't cry. Man can't show his defeat in front of other. If you want to cry, scratch your teeth instead." Maybe I should cry in my dream, so no one would see me cry...
CHAPTER ONE (March 14, 2013)
"Why do you look sad?" I commented on one of your photos, and I forgot it, for I did not suppose that you would reply me. I did not know you before, neither did you. We were just stranger. I saw your profile by chance when I was viewing my friend's profile in Hi5, a kind of online social network. I was right. A week later, still, I did not see your response. I should really give up hope. I should not expect so much from something unreal. Maybe we had no gift for one another. Two weeks later, there was still no news from you. My least hope had faded away. Third week, forth week, still no news... I stopped bearing hope.
"This is me. Anyway, thanks for your comment," you, from nowhere and unexpected, responded me two months later.
"I just asked. However, can we be friend? Can you drop me a message letting me know your yahoo messenger? We can chat and get to know each other more in case you'd love it too. Thanks," I sent back my comment.
Two days later, I received your message. The third day we started to talk to one another through yahoo messenger. The fourth day you were convinced to launch video chat with me--the first time we saw each other face to face and the first time I fell for you deeply. You were beautiful. You'd got a silver moon face with straight black hair. Your smile captured my soul.
CHAPTER TWO (March 24, 2013)
Usually, we talked to one another at night after my class and after your class. You worked for Ministry of Agriculture and Fishery, where your father used to work, during the day and took English language class during the evening. Now he retired from his position. You had one older sister and you're the second and the youngest. Your mother was a housewife, yet a strict mother to her children. She demanded very high from her daughters. She expected her children growing up educated and disciplined. You grew up what she had expected. You're shy and rarely went out during the weekend though you're free from school and work. I knew that because we usually talked to one another during the weekend too. You owned an undergraduate degree in Thai language from Institute of Foreign Language. You liked reading health magazine, particularly in Thai language. You wished one day to translate those magazines into our language so as to share it to our society. You wished to traveled around the world which we had talked a lot about the places we'd love to go together. You told me about your family; and I felt that I were your family. We had talked a lot about our future and our shared dreams. I believed in you without ever thinking that whether or not it was true.
We had talked to one another and had discussed our future plans for almost a year when I was pursuing my degree abroad. However, things had changed when it was time I had to go back home after my graduation.
CHAPTER THREE (March 24, 2013)
I told you about my coming back a week before. You said you'd love to pick me up at the airport. I was very glad to hear that. You asked me what I would do when seeing you at the airport?
I said "I would give you a hug and a kiss I had longed for." You giggled for a moment and said that "Who would do that in front of your parents and others in the public?" I told you that if you were really to come to the airport, I would tell my parents not to pick me up. You confirmed if I were sure? I said "100% sure." How could I be not sure about that?!!! How could I wish not to see someone I cry for!
Two days before my departure you did not show up with your yahoo messenger. One day before you did not show up again. I started to worry if everything we had talked for a year long with me was a lie. I called you. You did not pick up. I sent you text message. You did not reply back. I sent you email. You ignored it. I lost means to reach you. My heart fell. My hope became empty. A few hours before my departure, my dad called me and insisted that he would pick my up at the airport. How could I rejected my father's offer?!!! Seeing his son back home country was a happy moment for him after a year of no meeting.
My flight landed the ground of my motherland. I heart jumped. My mind wandered around. My body became empty. I came back home with nothing left insight. The hope I had borne was empty. A love you had promise became empty. My world was trembling. I did not want to come back, stepping on a land of lost hope.
After I checked out. I walked around the waiting area of the airport, checking if you were there. Yet, you weren't. You weren't excited to see me. You did not love me. You did not care for me.
I tried to compose myself before meeting my father. I did not want him to see me look pale. I did not want him to think that I was not happy seeing him. As soon as I got home. I shared greeting with my mother and my relatives before hiding myself in my dark room. My world collapsed now. You left me with an unanswered question. I asked myself many times if I did something wrong to end our "relationship." You did not tell me if we broke up. You did not say anything.
CHAPTER FOUR (March 24, 2013)
The next day morning, I get up at usual. I feel that I had had a nightmare. However, when I touch my face I could feel the tears on my cheek. Did I really cry last night?! In fact, I really did cry. I cried my heart out in the dream; the dream that brought back every single memory about you and me. I am happy that I dreamed crying. You do give me an unanswered question. I love you is true. I hate you is true. My heart is broken is true. I lose faith in love is true. I still think about you is true. I go back to real world after having a long long dream--a dream of loving a girl from distance; a dream of loving a girl from social network.
It has been two years now that I came back from my study. Yet, I am still single. I meet no one. I believe that you do not lie to me. How can a person lie to someone for a year long?! If it is really a lie, then you must be very skillful in lying. However, I don't think that. And that has never come to my mind. I think that you must face any hardship that you cannot share to me and you feel ashamed to meet me. I still love you. If you happen to see this story, I hope you would reconsider my love for you. I hope to meet you face to face to talk things out. I want to clear everything. At least I want to hear that you don't love me so that I can move on; otherwise I would still live in misery.
I am waiting for your unanswered love response...
EPILOGUE (MARCH 27, 2013 AT 12:41AM)
It has been two years before I decided to write this story down and have my friends share it on their Facebook. Thanks to all my friends and their friends who helped share this story on their wall. A few days after it has been shared on Facebook page, tonight I received a response from the girl in the story. I was happy and afraid at the same time, bearing in mind that I would receive answer from her. There would be two possible answers, I thought to myself, one would be the answer that would break my heart and the other one would be the answer that save my heart. However, I thought to myself again, "the positive answer is unlikely to happen. If she loves me why she let me wait her for more than two years?! I should prepare my feeling to the worst part."
She finally told me that she was already a married woman and she was so sorry to let me wait for her for more than two years. What can I say?! My hand was shaking, and my tears was rolling down from my face without my notice. I lost all the words at that vicious moment, that lonely evening, that cruel silent night, and that everything. I hated myself to write this story, to share it to others, to demand the answer, to dream of possibility. I hated my ear that hear these heartbreaking words. I hated my heart that heavily bounce my chest. I hated my legs that not stand strong. I hated my hand that drop this bloody phone. I should have been strong when hearing her answer which I have longed for. I should have been happy that I could end this chapter of my life. But I could not smile. I lied down on my bed in my dark room. I wanted to let myself go and to let my feeling fly. I then covered my face with the mattress so that no one would hear my painful cry.
I should have given her best wishes to a happy couple life that night. But my mind was not open enough to say any wish. After all, I am not good enough for her. I am not lucky, but she is. Because I always miss her and care for her. Anyway, I can't blame her. I can't blame a person who chooses things following their will. Turning to be my case, I would choose what I wish for, too. I should really move on now though what I have waited for is disappointingly revealed. It is a true story of mine; yet, maybe a funny or unbelievable story for others. However, in this world, anything strange could happen. This is my experience--the experience of falling in love with a person from social network. Yet, there are also couples who success with love through social network too. Anyway, I am just a stupid guy, dreaming of fantasy.
