“I want to ask
you something, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but I just feel
like asking. You won’t get mad, will you?”
“No, I won’t get
mad.”
“It’s kind of a
strange question, but I don’t have any ulterior motive in asking it. I want you
to understand that. I’m just a curious person. But some people get really angry
about these things.”
“Don’t worry, I
won’t get angry.”
“Are you sure?
That’s what everybody says, and then they blow up.”
“I’m special, so
don’t worry.”
“Did you ever
have then experience of having a man do funny things to you when were little?”
“No, I don’t
think so. Why?”
“I just wanted
to ask. If it never happened to you, fine. Anyway, have you ever had a lover? I
mean, someone you were seriously involved with?”
“Never.”
“Not even once?”
“Not even once.
To tell you the truth, I was a virgin until I turned twenty-six.”
“A beautiful
woman like you? I can’t believe it.”
“I just wasn’t interested.”
“Not interested
in men?”
“I did have one
person I fell in love with. It happened when I was ten. I held his hand.”
“You fell in
love with a boy when you were ten? That’s all?”
“That’s all.”
“So, where is
the boy now? What’s he doing?”
“I don’t know.
We were in the same third- and fourth-grade classes in Ichikawa in Chiba, but I
moved to a school in Tokyo in the fifth grade, and I never saw him again, never
heard anything about him. All I know is that, if he’s still alive, he should be
twenty-nine years old now. He’ll probably turn thirty this fall.”
“Are you telling
me you never thought about trying to find out where he is or what he’s doing?
It wouldn’t be that hard, you know.”
“I never felt
like taking the initiative to find out.”
“That’s so
strange. If it were me, I’d do everything I could to locate him. If you love
him that much, you should track him down and tell him so to his face.”
“I don’t want to
do that. What I want is for the two of us to meet somewhere by chance one day,
like, passing on the street, or getting on the same bus.”
“Destiny. A
chance encounter.”
“More or less.
That’s when I’ll open up to him. ‘The only one I’ve ever loved in this life is
you.’”
“How romantic!
But the odds of a meeting like that are pretty low. And besides, you haven’t
seen him for twenty years. He might look completely different. You could pass
him on the street and never know.”
“I’d know. His
face might have changed, but I’d know him at a glance. I couldn’t miss him.”
“How can you be
so sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“So you go on
waiting, believing that this chance encounter is bound to happen.”
“Which is why I
always pay attention when I walk down the street.”
“Incredible. But
as much as you love him, you don’t mind having sex with other men – at least
after you turned twenty-six.”
“That’s all just
in passing. It doesn’t last.”
“Sorry if this
is getting too personal, but did something happen to you when you were
twenty-six?”
“Something did
happen. And it changed me completely. But I can’t talk about it here and now.
Sorry.”
“That’s perfectly
okay. Did I put you in a bad mood asking all these questions?”
“Not in the
least.”
“Are you afraid,
though?”
“Afraid of
what?”
“Don’t you see?
You and he might never cross paths again. Of course, a chance meeting could
occur, and I hope it happens. I really do, for your sake. But realistically
speaking, you have to see there’s a huge possibility you’ll never be able to
meet him again. And even if you do meet, he might already be married to
somebody else. He might have two kids. Isn’t that so? And in that case, you may
have to live the rest of your life alone, never being joined with the one
person you love in all the world. Don’t you find that scary?”
“Maybe I do. But
at least I have someone I love.”
“Even if he
never loved you?”
“If you can love
someone with your whole heart, even one person, then there’s salvation in life.
Even if you can’t get together with that person.”
“You’re amazine,
the way you can put this in such a philosophical perspective.”
“I’m not being
philosophical. I’m just telling you what I honestly think.”
“I was in lvoe
with somebody once. Right after I graduated from high school. The boy I first
had sex with. He was three years older than me. But he dumped me for somebody
else right away. I went kind of wild after that. It was really hard on me. I
got over him, but I still haven’t recovered from the wild part. He was a real
two-timing bastard, a smooth talker. But I really loved him.”
“He still calls
me once in a while, says he wants to get together. All he wants is my body, of
course. I know that. So I don’t see him. I know it would just be another mess
if I did. Or should I say my brain knows it, but my body always reacts. It
wants him so badly! When these things build up, I let myself go crazy again. I
wonder if you know what I mean.”
“I certainly
do.”
“He’s really an
awful guy, pretty nasty, and he’s not that good in bed, either. But at least
he’s not scared of me, and while I’m with him he treats me well.”
“Feelings like
that don’t give you any choice, do they? They come at you whenever they want
to. It’s not like choosing food from a menu.”
“It is in one
way: you have regrets after you make a mistake.”
It’s the same
with menus and men and just about anything else: we think we’re choosing things
for ourselves, but in fact we may not be choosing anything. It could be that
everything’s decided in advance and we pretend we’re making choices. Free will
may be an illusion. I often think that.”
“If that’s true,
life is pretty dark.”
“Maybe so.”
“But if you can
love someone with your whole heart – even if he’s a terrible person and even if
he doesn’t love you back – life is not a hell, at least, though it might be
kind of dark. Is that what you’re saying?”
“Exactly.”
“But still, it
seems to me that this world has a serious shortage of both logic and kindness.”
“You may be
right. But it’s too late to trade it in for another one.”
“The exchange
window expired a long time ago. And the receipt’s been thrown away.”
“You said it.”
“Oh, well, no
problem. The world is going to end before we know it.”
“Sounds like
fun.”
“And the kingdom
is going to come.”
“I can hardly
wait.”
No comments:
Post a Comment